The Rituals That Make Us: Part 1
The power of rituals for performance, meaning, and connection
In a 2013 experiment, participants were each provided with a chocolate bar.
Some participants were given no further instruction beyond that they had to eat the chocolate bar. Others, however, were told to follow a specific process (p. 5):
“Without unwrapping the chocolate bar, break it in half. Unwrap half of the bar and eat it. Then, unwrap the other half and eat it.”
The study found that those who participated in this ritual enjoyed the experience of eating the chocolate more than those who had no ritual. These participants also evaluated the chocolate as tastier, and they spent a longer time actually eating it than those without the ritual. Their perceived value of the chocolate was also higher, based on responses when asked how much they’d be prepared to spend on the chocolate.
And it all came down to the ritual.
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I like you, because you're like me
Humans are pretty self-oriented.
From an evolutionary perspective, this makes sense. After all, how could a species like ours survive if we didn’t, consciously or unconsciously, keep ourselves at the centre of our human experience?
This self-centrism is arguably one of the reasons why finding common ground with someone can fast-track connection and influence. In Robert Cialdini’s classic 1980’s book Influence, he puts it simply:
“We like people who are like us. It’s a fact that applies to human infants as young as nine months and holds true later in life whether the similarity is in the area of opinions, personality traits, background, or lifestyle.” (2021 edition, p. 84)
We’ve all experienced that instant ‘buzz’ when you meet someone for the first time and realise you have something in common. And the buzz will often heighten if that commonality is a niche interest or experience. Perhaps you suddenly feel closer to the person, like you know them at a much deeper level despite only learning a little more information. As it turns out, the power of similarity and belonging goes pretty deep…
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For the love of conflict
How to reframe interpersonal disagreements for better outcomes
I hate conflict. My natural inclination has always been to hesitate a little too long before addressing an issue, or to rationalise to myself that a confrontation would be unproductive… you know, this time around.
(Maybe next time.)
This philosophy, particularly early in my career, proved very convenient for avoiding direct conversations. Layer on my inherent need to be liked, and it’s meant that over the years I’ve had to resist these instincts to become more assertive. The instincts never leave, though.
When I ask others to raise a hand if they have a fear or dislike of conflict, I am usually met with a sea of hands. And this fear makes sense, because welcoming any kind of conflict will bring with it an invitation for instability and a potential recalibration of interpersonal dynamics.
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On the selfish side of kindness
In my last piece, we discussed how great it is to connect with strangers. Now, in a total flip of the switch, I give you:
Why do so many “random act of kindness” videos feel so icky?
A recent trend that flew through TikTok, Instagram and other social media platforms came in the form of filming ‘random acts of kindness’.
In theory, random acts of kindness demonstrate the best humans have to offer: Compassion, empathy, and other-centredness. So why, when we’re watching these videos, can they prompt a tense friction between emotions — a positive response on one hand, but on the other, a kind of ickiness? Is this trend a true promotion of kindness and caring for those around us, or is it an inherently ego-centric gimmick that is far more centred on the promotion of the kindness-giver than anything else?
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When was the last time you connected with a stranger?
The counter-intuitive effects of incidental social interactions on wellbeing
In his book Friends, renowned evolutionary psychologist Robin Dunbar highlights the plethora of studies demonstrating the psychological and physical benefits of close social ties. Aside from emotional support and social fulfilment, friendships also link to longer life spans and reduced risk of disease, and play a role in psychological well-being.
As it turns out, though, connection and the benefits that accompany it are not limited to our closest family and friends. Weak ties — acquaintances, strangers — can also provide significant benefits.
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