I like you, because you're like me
Similarity, social identity, and the seven pillars of friendship.
Humans are pretty self-oriented.
From an evolutionary perspective, this makes sense. After all, how could a species like ours survive if we didn’t, consciously or unconsciously, keep ourselves at the centre of our human experience?
Image made with Dall-E
This self-centrism is arguably one of the reasons why finding common ground with someone can fast-track connection and influence. In Robert Cialdini’s classic 1980’s book Influence, he puts it simply:
“We like people who are like us. It’s a fact that applies to human infants as young as nine months and holds true later in life whether the similarity is in the area of opinions, personality traits, background, or lifestyle.” (2021 edition, p. 84)
We’ve all experienced that instant ‘buzz’ when you meet someone for the first time and realise you have something in common. And the buzz will often heighten if that commonality is a niche interest or experience. Perhaps you suddenly feel closer to the person, like you know them at a much deeper level despite only learning a little more information. As it turns out, the power of similarity and belonging goes pretty deep…
Birds of a feather flock together… and also help each other…
One of my favourite studies highlighting the potential impacts of perceived commonality and group identity involves an experiment conducted with a bunch of soccer fans. Participants were exclusively Manchester United fans. They didn’t know that, though, and the experimenters employed several strategies to imply that the study included football fans of various teams.
Each participant was first surveyed with various questions about their fandom, including, for example, how long they’d supported their specific team and how glad they were to be a fan of their specific team. Then came the fun part: Each participant was told the next part of the study required them to watch a film, so they’d have to head to the projection room in a different building to complete the next stage. From the study:
“As the participant approached the corner of the building, a confederate appeared, jogging across the grass and preparing to run down a grass bank a short distance in front of the participant. The confederate had mud splattered up his legs and was wearing shorts, socks and running shoes. In addition (depending on experimental condition) he was also wearing either a Manchester United team shirt; a Liverpool FC team shirt; or an ordinary, unbranded sportshirt. As the confederate ran down the grass bank he slipped and fell over, holding onto his ankle and shouting out in pain. Having crumpled to the ground he groaned and winced, indicating that he might need help.” (p. 14.)
The real test then came into play, as observers hiding out of sight evaluated what each participant did next to help - or not help - the fall victim.
(Needless to say, some sort of trophy is surely warranted for the poor soul/s who repeatedly fell over in this experiment, all for the sake of science.)
What the researchers found was fascinating: Participants were significantly more likely to intervene and offer help when the victim was wearing the Manchester United team shirt, compared to both the Liverpool shirt and the plain shirt.
Going broader
In a second study, the researchers did the same thing, only this time focused the initial survey questions on being a football fan generally: For example, exploring what being a fan of footy meant to the participant and how they connect/share with other football fans.
This time, when the professional faller fell, participants were equally likely to help the person if they were wearing a Manchester United shirt or if they were wearing a Liverpool shirt. And overall, you were more likely to receive assistance if you were wearing any football shirt compared to a plain one.
It seems that bringing to the forefront a broader way of thinking about the social category or group - here, from Manchester United fans to football fans - had a notable impact on consequent helping behaviour.
The power of belonging
Now, if someone asked me whether I’d help someone based only on what they were wearing, I’d answer with an emphatic ‘no’. And I suspect that most people would respond similarly. But the research paints a compelling argument that, consciously or not, perceived similarity and the group memberships that we feel a sense of belonging to can have powerful influences on our behaviour.
(Note: There are a number of further nuances to the studies I have described here. Definitely read the full paper if it’s of interest.)
The Seven Pillars of Friendship
The human inclination towards homophily (i.e. gravitating towards people who are similar to ourselves) is well documented. Some research, for example, has explored how similarities flow through different friendship networks and, in general, positively relate to emotional connection and selflessness.
The excellent 2023 book The Social Brain discusses what’s known as ‘The Seven Pillars of Friendship’: That is, seven key signifiers that can help predict how close a dyadic relationship is likely to become. Research suggests that the more of these we have in sync, the more likely we are to see each other as trustworthy, and to maintain a closer relationship. They are:
“Language (or, better still, dialect)
Growing up in the same location
Educational and career experiences (notoriously, medical people gravitate together socially, and lawyers do the same)
Hobbies and interests
Worldview (an amalgam of moral, religious, and political views)
Sense of humour
Musical tastes”
(p. 59 of The Social Brain)
When I reflected on this in relation to my closest relationships, I noticed that we had significantly more pillars in common compared to my acquaintances and to those friendships that have drifted in recent years. The old adage that sometimes friendships grow apart seems particularly pertinent here, as a potential outcome of many of these pillars inevitably evolving over time.
The other thing this Seven Pillars concept makes me think of immediately is that, from experience, there is perhaps no greater gravitational pull than that between an Aussie travelling overseas and the sound of another Aussie accent across the room…
A small, meaningful action:
Reflect on how you might apply these principles of similarity and connection in your personal and organisational domains
Perhaps, in the next week or so, you might like to engage in one of the following small actions or reflections:
Finding common ground, when done ethically and authentically, can be a wonderful way to elevate our influence and to spark a new friendship or professional relationship. The next time you meet someone new, make a concerted effort to uncover similar interests and experiences.
Struggling to connect with someone? Go broader and see if you can find some more common similarities.
Drawing on the Seven Pillars of Friendship, try going a little deeper with an acquaintance and see if that allows a stronger connection to grow.
Reflect on how your current networks align with the Seven Pillars: How does this resonate with your personal context? Your organisational context?
In your organisation, are there opportunities for you to facilitate shared experiences and a sense of belonging that might elevate cohesion?
Alternatively, are groups or teams appearing too cohesive, to a point where there might be some groupthink or other barriers emerging that are limiting diverse perspectives and idea generation? Are people being excluded?