The problem with positivity
When I first started sales training, I printed and laminated a sign that said ‘No Negativity Here!’. I would take it with me and blu-tac it to the whiteboard of the training room before a session. I was very serious about the importance of staying positive, which, especially in the context of the sales profession, can be one of the most difficult parts of a role. People like Tony Robbins and Grant Cardone, with their infectious energy and inspiring language, added to my view: Lulled into a false kind of self-bargaining, I figured that provided I lived only with positivity, everything else would work out.
I am still a huge advocate for maintaining a positive outlook. And there is a concrete grounding of science that accompanies the over-the-top-and-often-fuzzy zeitgeist of positivity in self-development: Alongside the overuse of strobe lights, chanting, and other bizarrely common cultural markers of the self-development industry, we can find deeper meaning.
Increases in life satisfaction and resilience have been linked to positive emotions. Other research suggests that there is a continuous and positively reinforcing relationship between positive social connections, positive emotions, and physical wellbeing. A social cognitive perspective of emotion highlights that emotional contagion - the spread of positive or negative emotional states from one person to another and throughout a group - is a very real phenomenon, and the overall affective tone of a group has been linked to performance. My own PhD research (in progress!) is exploring some of this, looking at how different emotions and affective experiences sit within leadership models and consequently relate to outcomes.
But in recent years I’ve definitely pulled back on the all-in-positivity. (Needless to say, I don’t use that sign anymore, either.)
The problem with positivity is not positivity itself. I think the issue is that, particularly in recent decades, we tend to have begun framing positivity as an isolated concept. But it’s not.
Embracing the rich tapestry of human emotion
Positivity is inextricably tied to negativity. There is no such thing as one without the other. And sometimes there is both at once (consider feeling ‘bittersweet’). The activation of positive emotions like excitement, enthusiasm, joy, happiness, would be meaningless if we didn’t have experiences that differed from them. Just as our strengths have associated weaknesses, the spectrum of human emotion is rich and diverse and beautiful, and a culture that errs too far towards a focus only on the positive can quickly turn into something more toxic.
If we are supposed to be happy and positive all the time, and we put pressure on ourselves to that effect, then to have a moment of sadness is to fail. Perhaps this failure gives rise to a feeling of guilt or shame… double fail. Perhaps we then try to counteract our sense of failure by being extra positive, even though it feels inauthentic to do so - like we’re surrendering to an act. Triple fail. It is not possible to only have positive emotions, and to pretend it is possible is to deny and invalidate the reality of the human experience - setting ourselves up for failure from the outset.
As Mark Manson wrote in his book that became a cultural phenomenon,
“The desire for a more positive experience is itself a negative experience. And, paradoxically, the acceptance of one’s negative experience is itself a positive experience.”
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Negative experiences can prompt positive action
In Dan Pink’s latest book, The Power of Regret, he disputes the popular notion of trying to live life without regrets by sharing how they can facilitate learning, growth, and action. I see this book as one that contributes to the unmasking of a toxic positivity culture that has become quite embroiled in modern language: One of a rising volume of literature that says, ‘Hey, wait a minute, not everything in life is rainbows and roses, and the negative experiences are important and inevitable. So, if we pretend they don’t exist, or sculpt them into a rainbow, then we’re doing ourselves the disservice’.
As one example of regret as a meaningful tool for growth, he cites a study of negotiators where the negotiating counterpart accepted the negotiator’s first offer.
Image: A surrealist interpretation of the road of ‘what-if’s, made by AI (Dall-E 2)
As someone with a sales background, I cringe even thinking about this outcome, which we have all experienced and which all-too-often leads us down the road of ‘what if’s. But in the study, those who regretted not starting higher also spent more preparation time on the next negotiation. In other words, the feeling of regret came with a clear benefit. As Pink goes on to argue, if we allow ourselves to properly experience it, a regretful (negative) experience can help us to slow down and re-evaluate - which, in turn, can enhance our future decision-making.
Positivity can deflect reflection and growth
Beyond informing future decision-making, negative experiences can serve us in a number of different ways. They can serve as helpful prompts to re-evaluate our assumptions or way of thinking about something; to engage in some self-reflection; to learn a little more about a topic or build skills in a particular area; to assess what’s important; to work on our relationships; to think about the future. If we only focus on the positive experiences, we basically fire our other human experiences from our service team.
Evolutionary psychologists might argue that we need to feel negative emotions in response to behaviours like social or romantic rejection because that helps us to reinforce the importance of social connection, and humans rely on collaboration to survive as a species. From another perspective, ask someone about what moments have most impacted their life and you’ll very possibly get stories wherein a negative experience or difficulty serves as an antecedent to later growth, success, strength, or happiness.
And arguably, the uncertainty, challenge, questioning, fear and frustration often interlock with the excitement, growth, achievement, and satisfaction. The joy only grows in a whole emotional ecosystem. We don’t get the same wholeness and depth if we only allow ourselves to acknowledge the silver linings without also accepting that they’re peaking through a cloud, that is floating in a sky, that spans across a planet.
A quote:
To add more depth to this topic, consider a Buddhist perspective from Bruce Tift’s Already Free:
“Given the choice between satisfaction and dissatisfaction, good relationships and difficult ones, health and illness, most of us would certainly choose the more positive experience. But a positive display cannot be continually sustained, since life is incredibly complex, always changing, and not under our control. The content of our lives will sometimes be positive, sometime negative. From the Buddhist point of view, freedom arises from a profound disidentification with any content - good or bad. When our circumstances and experiences are held in the context of open awareness, we are not captured or identified with them. We are no longer “inside” the content; rather, we are ‘witnessing’ it within the context of awareness. With that shift in perception, we begin to have a choice about how to relate to our experience. The current display is revealed to not be the whole story; in fact, it’s not even ‘about us’. We talk about this shift as a move toward placing all of our experiences in the larger context of awareness”. (p. 70-71.)
I’ve recommended this book before, and it is easily my top read in 2023. If you are interested in psychotherapy and spirituality you cannot not read this book.
A small, meaningful action: Facing a difficulty
Of course, maintaining a positive outlook and searching for positivity is still extremely valuable. No one usually wants to (or rationally should) seek out or will a negative experience into being for themselves. And when we find ourselves sitting in negativity, we certainly don’t want to grab the key and sign a lease there. But as part of the human experience, we simply must pass through. And as we do, we may as well try to pass through our negative experiences in - to the extent we can - an intentional, open, thoughtful way that better allows us to accept the potential gifts it may be offering.
An idea to implement a positively-negative experience: Have a personal reflection session this week and consider something challenging - perhaps a task you’re finding difficult; a client you’ve not been able to get over the line; a domain of your life that you’re not happy with. Try to identify one minor thing you can do to enhance this situation, perhaps by
Thinking about it in a different way
Trying a new approach
Intentionally learning more about the topic from a new source of information
Actively practising a new related skill
Discussing the challenge with someone and bouncing ideas around for future action