How to release unrealistic expectations
Perfectionistic striving, perfectionistic concerns, and the power of curiosity
I am, and always have been, what you might call the stereotypical perfectionist: Classic type A operator, high expectations of the self, etc. etc.
Of course, I’m not alone here - perfectionism is only becoming more common. One meta-analysis examining different cohorts from 1989 to 2016, for example, led researchers to assert that all types of perfectionism have been increasing over time. They found more recent generations of university pupils identified with more socially-prescribed perfectionism than their predecessors, stating, “This finding suggests that young people are perceiving that their social context is increasingly demanding, that others judge them more harshly, and that they are increasingly inclined to display perfection as a means of securing approval.”
And different types of perfectionism can have negative impacts. For example, research has found links between perfectionistic tendencies and procrastination, with indications that discrepancies may be an important factor between the two: That is, negative interpretations that I’ve not met the standards I expect for myself, and other intense self-evaluations. More maladaptive types of perfectionism have also been linked to more stress, personal and professional burnout, and even potential impacts on physical health.
Perfectionistic striving vs. perfectionistic concerns
There are many different frameworks of perfectionism, and one that is quite helpful looks at two different streams or dimensions of perfectionism - perfectionistic striving and perfectionistic concerns.
Perfectionistic striving reflects what we might imagine as the more positive, achievement-oriented flavour of perfectionism, involving the maintenance of really high personal standards and striving for excellence. Perhaps unsurprisingly, research has generally found positive relationships between perfectionistic striving and performance. Higher levels of perfectionistic striving have also been linked to higher levels of competitive sport; self-efficacy and aspiration levels, and a greater desire to achieve after receiving positive feedback.
Perfectionistic concerns, on the other hand, represent the more negative, sometimes even debilitating dimensions of perfectionism - the self-doubt, fear of making mistakes, and negative responses to performing below expectations. As you’d imagine, the impact of perfectionistic concerns is often considered quite polar to perfectionistic striving.
It seems generally recognised that these two dimensions are usually both present for individuals at differing levels. But I find this framework enlightening because it captures this dichotomy between positively striving for success and negatively drowning in our own unrealistic expectations. It’s helpful to acknowledge that a perfectionistic approach can be a facilitator of achievement and a positive contributor to our lives, and also accept that there may be some tension between this aspect and a more potentially destructive one. And, we may find value in consciously working on minimising the latter, and learning to become more compassionate and curious with ourselves.
The power of curiosity and releasing unrealistic expectations
It occurred to me recently that curiosity may be an antidote to destructive perfectionism. Or, at least, a strong repellant.
An (emerging) observation I’ve made in my current research project is that curiosity in leadership seems to play an important role at both an individual level and in the dynamics between people. What’s most interesting about this, to me, is that curiosity naturally requires us to release expectations. You cannot simultaneously be curious and certain. And I suspect this is part of its power.
Consequently, it can be a wonderful way to reinforce a distinction between that which is within our control and that which is beyond it. Putting on a hat of curiosity allows me to be an interested observer of the processes, outcomes, and other goings-on around me rather than subjectively attached to a specific reality. This could flow through as a perfectionistic concern mitigator because this state of ‘interested but detached’ builds a moat between external outcomes and the self - including blocking, perhaps, harsh interpretations of that self.
Image made with Dall-E
An aside: I also wonder if COVID helped us, more collectively as a society, to become more curious. The spread of disease is a stark reminder of our limitations as human beings: We can take certain steps, of course, to try and prevent or minimise harm, but ultimately we have about as much control over a pandemic’s emergence as a volcano’s eruption. Perhaps when the pandemic arrived, we were, to some extent, forced to once again be reminded that we are living beings, responding as best we can to what’s around us, and there are some things we do not control. This inconvenient truth often lies dormant, hidden by the strength and gravity of collective human optimism, innovation and spirit. So, I wonder if the events of 2020 (and beyond) have prompted more of a collective release of tightly-held expectations, and created space for more engagement with our curiosity muscles…
A small, meaningful action: Pausing to put on the curiosity hat and release unrealistic expectations
When was the last time you actively chose curiosity?
Perhaps getting more curious can help us to become more present and open to learning from that which we don’t control rather than attaching our identities to outcomes. When things don’t go as we hope; we receive a grade below expectations, a deal doesn’t come to fruition, performance dips, a deadline is not met, a relationship experiences a negative point; taking an intentional moment to pause and adopt a curiosity frame might allow us to shift away from perfectionistic judgment and towards a more inquisitive outlook. Perhaps that means a response that starts a bit more like, ‘That’s interesting, I wonder what I can uncover here.’ Perhaps that means one where, just momentarily, we choose to become a captivated audience of life over the curator of it.
Becoming more consciously aware of opportunities for the curiosity hat and actively leading with interest over judgment can be a powerful way to elevate how we engage with ourselves and others.
Do let me know your thoughts on this; if it resonates, or if other ideas emerge for you. I know curiosity will be something I personally focus on in these final months of 2023.