Kindness is a Tool of Persuasion
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In Ancient Greece, the Gods were busy.
Zeus especially was always busy, if you know what I mean.
But even aside from that, Mount Olympus knows most of the Greek Gods had a fair bit of drama going on. There was always some God swallowing their children whole, some other Gods arguing or kidnapping or revenge plotting. Lots happening. Awkward dinner parties, I’d imagine.
I bring this up because if you were an Ancient Greek person praying to a God for help, you had to appreciate they had more to focus on than humans. So, you couldn’t just expect prayers to be answered. You needed a better plan.
What you’d likely do is provide a votive offering. These were given both in anticipation of a prayer being answered and afterwards to show gratitude. A sacrifice would be the other option – libation, some cake, or maybe a big piece of meat.
These actions gave you a better chance of being helped by the Gods. Those immortals probably wouldn’t even remember your name otherwise. (It was expected that you’d provide them with some information to remind them who you are when praying. Kind of like the ancient version of providing your account number and address to the Telstra customer service chat eight times before they acknowledge you.)
As much as the Greek Gods were divine, they also demonstrated very human traits. Case in point: Their relationship with humans wasn’t unconditional and all-loving. It was reciprocal.
Reciprocity
Reciprocation is a known principle of influence today. In Robert Cialdini’s classic work, Influence, he describes it as one of the most pervasive human behaviours across history.
Reciprocity is at work when someone does us a favour or kindness, and we feel obliged to give something back in return.
Cialdini outlines a beautiful example from a 1971 experiment[1]. In the study, participants were put in pairs and asked to rate different artworks.
Alas, behavioural scientists are pretty sneaky. The true experiment is rarely what the participants think it is. What volunteers didn’t know was the person they were paired with was a plant.
Let’s call him, for the sake of plants, Wattle.
Wattle was instructed to act the same with all participants, except for one moment during a break period. At that point, Wattle did one of two things:
For some, Wattle would leave the room in the break and come back with two cans of coke, one of which he would give to the other participant. He’d explain to them that he asked the researcher if he could get one and picked another up for them, too.
The other participants remained Coke-less throughout the experiment, which, in my opinion, means they drew the short straw. But also, importantly, Wattle didn’t offer them any small favours.
At the end of each session, Wattle asked his paired participant to do him a favour, explaining that he was selling raffle tickets.
Those who had received the earlier fizzy goodness bought twice as many tickets as those who didn’t.
In this case, Wattle made his sacrifice to Zeus, and Zeus pulled through to help.
There’s nuance here. Cialdini indicates this experiment exemplifies the real power of reciprocity as a tool of persuasion. For one thing, participants didn’t ask for the soft drink. A favour that spurs a feeling of obligation to repay doesn’t need to be requested.
Cialdini says, ‘because reciprocal arrangements are so vital in human social systems, we have been conditioned to be uncomfortable when beholden. If we were to ignore breezily the need to return another’s initial favour, we would stop one reciprocal sequence dead and would make it less likely that our benefactor would do such favours in the future. Neither event is in the best interests of society.
Consequently, we are trained from childhood to chafe, emotionally, under the saddle of obligation. For this reason alone, then, we may be willing to agree to perform a larger favour than we received, merely to relieve ourselves of the psychological burden of debt.’
Someone could hypothetically give you an unwanted, unsolicited gift, and you could end up giving them something far more valuable in return – simply to feel like you’re even.
Where do we see reciprocity used today?
Some common examples:
Any free presentation, webinar, seminar, conference, symposium, whatever. These sell-from-stage or webcam pitches typically use many persuasion techniques (some of which can be a bit icky – I wrote a long article going into detail here.) But the main one that gets the host in a position to sell to you is reciprocity. The whole premise of a free presentation is that you’ll gain some value from it. The strategy is that because they’ve provided you value for free, they expect you’ll feel obliged to at least sit through their sales pitch. Pure reciprocity.
Social media lead magnets. When someone offers you a free e-book or other digital product in exchange for your sign up, there’s always a chance you’ll sign up, take their free thing and then unsubscribe immediately. One force operating in the background to prevent this is reciprocity: You’ll probably feel bad for taking a free e-book and without at least letting them send you a couple more emails.
Free samples. Samples are reciprocity 101. You get a small, half-empty moisturiser that covers precisely 1/3 of your face, and in return, you endure the sales pitch that follows.
Ever been into a fancy store where they greet you with offers of coffee, tea, biscuits, or even champagne? You guessed it.
In my corporate training sessions, I always have a jar of lollies with me. I use them as a reward for excellent answers. I also find them handy for an afternoon sugar hit when people are getting tired. But I am acutely aware that giving out lollies at random (something I often do) is also a tool of reciprocity, which may have a small influence over my students. Even if it means someone pays a bit more attention in class than they would have otherwise, that’s a good thing.
Before I became a trainer, I used to keep a lolly jar at my sales desk. You can never go wrong with lolly jars, really.
What do we do with this?
One of the things I like about reciprocity is that it can be used authentically, where you’re providing people with better experiences and more value. And, you get the bonus of knowing that could have a positive impact on your professional discussions. People might listen to you a little longer or pay more attention to your request, and if you’re a salesperson, it could contribute to a positive outcome.
If we employ it with authenticity to our interactions, reciprocity drums down to being nice to people. And at this point, I don’t think there’s anything the world needs more than kindness.
If you’re in sales, business, or any professional industry, think about what kindnesses you’re offering your customers, partners, colleagues or other people you interact with daily. Executing something as small as offering a coffee, helping park someone’s car for them, giving kids colouring-in activities, providing extra advice or value for free, offering a genuine compliment – All of these can help you to foster better relationships and prompt reciprocity. And, you just might make someone’s day.
(I’m sure in 2020 some more virtual examples might be in order – let me know what ideas you have!)
As with all persuasion tools, reciprocation can be used in a manipulative, unethical way. Someone doing something nice for you only to build pressure for you to agree with them is dodgy. It’s good to be aware of in professional settings.
But at the end of the day, I love the concept of a tool of persuasion that’s really just karma. If you’re good to people, they’ll be good to you – maybe even better to you. You catch more flies with honey, after all.
This piece first appeared in my newsletter. To get pieces like this delivered straight to your inbox weeks ahead, alongside book recommendations and updates , click here.