Are You a Manager Stuck in the Friend Zone?
8 Minute Read
I’ve been doing quite a bit of work with managers lately around leadership, and in the process I’ve come across a couple of managers who can’t seem to get themselves out of the friend zone.
What the hell does that mean?
Let me explain. A manager stuck in the friend zone is someone who considers themselves more of a friend and colleague to their team than a manager. They manage through participation, strive for acceptance and in my experience tend to dread the concept of being an ‘authority figure’, especially someone who abuses their authority, is aggressive or demanding. They want to be liked, they want genuine personal relationships with their team, and they want to be seen as someone who is willing to step onto the front line and get their job done with the team, rather than stepping away from them.
None of this sounds particularly problematic, right? Indeed, the style of participative manager can be very effective. For many, this is the opposite of the typical ‘bad manager’, who sits – secluded - in an office barking orders and trying not to get too involved with anyone or thing. There are many strengths to this style, including the ability to listen to team members’ concerns, an involvement in day to day activities, and a true sense of ‘teamwork’ in the environment.
We start to see a problem, though, when this need for inclusion, helping and acceptance overrides the ability to delegate, make decisions, and empower the team to grow by stepping back and helping individuals to help themselves.
Some specific examples…
Some examples of behaviours arising when the manager is stuck in the friend zone include:
· Because you are a friend, when a team member comes to you with an issue, you’re more likely to deal with the issue yourself than coach the team member on a resolution;
· Because you are a friend, you trust the team too much, to the point where individuals don’t feel accountable for their actions or results;
· Because you are a friend, you hesitate to have a difficult conversation – especially one involving constructive criticism or disciplinary action – out of fear of compromising the personal relationship;
· Because you are a friend, you spend too much time in the team’s daily work, and not enough time on big picture goals and processes;
· Because you are a friend, you hesitate to delegate tasks in fear that an individual won’t be happy to do the task. (This can spiral over time to a point where team members can take advantage and simply say ‘no’ whenever they are actually asked to do something.)
· Because you are a friend, you easily accept individual’s excuses about unsatisfactory work and consistently ‘let things slide’;
· Because you are a friend, you want the team to be happy (good thing) to a point where the team dictates to management and even delegates to you (bad thing).
· Because you are a friend, you display indecisiveness towards minor and major decisions because you want everyone to be comfortable with the decision – to the point where decisions are procrastinated or avoided completely. This can also lead to a general feeling of inconsistency in the team.
· Because you are a friend, you show your support of the team by taking on too much operationally, rather than guiding, coaching and leading.
These examples are, of course, where a manager is well and truly stuck in the friend zone. In the short term, helping the team by completing a task for them is an easy way to get it done quickly and alleviate the stress of the team member. In the long term, though, that team member experiences no growth in their skillset, probably feels a lack of guidance and instruction, and might like you a lot but will they respect and trust you as a leader? The manager has, in effect, become a team member with a title.
Why does this happen?
There are, of course, many reasons why we do what we do (ah, the world of human behaviour). Some managers lead this way because, frankly, they have all the skills of their last role (which might be the role of the team they are now leading), but they’ve never been taught the skills of effective management and leadership transitioning into their new role. As a result, they feel more comfortable in the role as ‘supportive colleague’, which utilises their existing skillset.
Sometimes this occurs because the manager is now leading a team they were once part of, and they now feel inadequate or uncomfortable (perhaps with a little imposter syndrome thrown in there) leading their former teammates assertively.
Sometimes the situation arises because the manager has, themselves, had a really aggressive or demanding manager in their past; and in an attempt to steer away from that persona they’ve gone too far the other way.
The other key element here is that the majority of the time this person is driven on some level by a need for acceptance, validation and personal relationships. As someone with a high affiliation driver myself, I can appreciate that hard conversations are... crappy. I can appreciate that it’s easy to take personally a disgruntled team member. I can appreciate that it feels nice to be liked by your team. That said, when we take a step back and analyse it properly, manager as friend is actually quite a selfish way to manage: It places the manager’s personal desires of being accepted and liked above the greater good of the team.
What to do?
There is a difference between being liked and being respected as a leader. When the former is placed over the latter, we can easily get stuck in the friend zone.
I want to be clear here that I am not advocating for a leadership style that is entirely removed and isolated from the team, nor a style that involves abruptness, aggression or eliminates any chance of a personal friendship outside of the workplace. It is beneficial to keep using the strengths of empathy, connection and kindness resourcefully. Importantly, great leaders do get involved with day to day activities when it makes sense to do so. Great leaders are still compassionate, caring and open to feedback.
However, if you identify as a manager who has gone a bit too far and may now be stuck in the friend zone, there are a few key points to take from this:
1. Think about the best managers you’ve ever had.
More than likely, they weren’t only nice people and friends. They probably pushed you out of your comfort zone. They probably told you some things that you needed to hear, even if you weren’t quite prepared to hear them. They would have challenged you to do better: Pushed you to overcome challenges that you weren’t quite certain you were ready for, but you were willing to try knowing that they would be there to support and guide you along the way. They coached you through problems you were facing, facilitating your problem-solving process and sharing their knowledge. They backed you, always your advocate. They rewarded you with more autonomy, responsibility and challenges. They kept you accountable. Maybe you didn’t always like them, but you always respected and trusted them. Because of them, you grew and learned.
2. Accept that creating stability in a team requires certainty in leadership.
They say that a bad decision on Monday is better than a good decision on Friday. You are not always going to make the right decisions, and that’s okay. You’ll learn from them. But you need to make them, and back yourself in moments of decision.
3. Get comfortable with the uncomfortable.
Sometimes, being a leader means doing or saying the thing that you know will make someone uncomfortable or annoyed or unhappy, because you know it must be done. This means understanding that people thrive on clear, assertive direction, clear boundaries and clear expectations. You need to be able to assert yourself so the team gains the clarity and consistency they need to succeed. You are not helping someone by ignoring their development areas and always ‘letting things slide’.
4. Be a coach and mentor.
One of the big rules of organizational coaching is that you don’t give away the answers – you facilitate the coachee’s process of coming to the answers themselves. Think about the danger of doing your teams daily tasks for them – if I’m always saving the day, that team member is losing the opportunity to learn how to solve the problem or do the task. Don’t take away opportunities for growth within the team. Give them the gift of challenge.
5. Step back and schedule time for long term goals and strategies.
Make it a part of your routine to focus on the long-term vision for the team. It might also be beneficial to find a mentor who can help you do this effectively.
6. What got you here won’t get you there.
Consider investing in some further leadership and management training and dedicate yourself to the development of these key skills. Also, read the One Minute Manager. It’s gold (and short). (Also, I train and coach on this. Get in touch.)
If you’re stuck in the friend zone, perhaps the biggest underlying action point here is to recognise that your team benefits more from you as a manager than they do from you as a friend. If you are driven by the need to help and support others, you need to reframe your role mentally to reflect how you can empower and develop your team with a more assertive leadership practice.
What do you think?
Make Today the Day,
Sonia
This blog post was originally posted on my training website, Statusone.com.au, on Aug 17, 2018. I have since been moving some of my favourite blog posts from there over to here, as this is now my ‘content hub’ and I want you to have access to some of the cool stuff I’ve written about before. You can still check out the Status One site if you’re interested in corporate training if you want. Also, don’t forget to sign up for the newsletter below for updates and weekly exclusive content.