The Power of Patience and Why We Complain About Kids These Days
“No great thing is created suddenly, any more than a bunch of grapes or a fig. If you tell me that you desire a fig, I answer you that there must be time. Let it first blossom, then bear fruit, then ripen.”- Epictetus
There are suggestions that patience is close to extinction. That now, waiting for just 16 seconds for a site to load, or 22 seconds for a TV show to stream properly is all it takes to grind our gears.
Waiting in a line for only 30 seconds, it seems, is long enough to start making us twitchy.
Are we losing our patience?
The common perception of patience is that of a dwindling human virtue, clutching onto life as Leo DiCaprio clutched onto that piece of wood.
And the perception makes sense when we consider the instant-gratification we get from social media, immediate responses in communication, fast shopping and meal deliveries, and breaking news updates straight to our phone.
(Side note: It’s mind-boggling to me that TV news shows still have weather reports. We have... apps for that.)
If someone said to me that young people now are more patient than previous generations at the same age, I wouldn’t believe them.
Alas, I’m about to tell you that exact thing, so feel free not to believe me.
New research in 2020 analysed data from the famous marshmallow experiments conducted over the years[1]. It determined that actually, in the past 50 years children have been getting increasingly better at delaying gratification.
Kids of similar ages over time got better at self-restraint in later experiments than earlier ones. They found these increases developing in line with generational increases of IQ.
In other words, kids today showed more self-control and patience than kids 50 years ago.
Patience is a virtue
Impatience has been linked to irritability, risk of heart problems, worse sleep, lower self-control and difficulty dealing with stressful life events.
Patience, on the other hand, has gained a great reputation over the centuries. Take this quote from Stoic philosopher Epictetus:
"Remember that you ought to behave in life as you would at a banquet. As something is being passed around it comes to you; stretch out your hand, take a portion of it politely. It passes on; do not detain it. Or it has not come to you yet; do not project your desire to meet it, but wait until it comes in front of you. So act toward children, so toward a wife, so toward office, so toward wealth."
We wait our turn at the banquet, rather than screaming for someone to please pass the whole cheeseboard right now because I've had one hell of a day and only Camembert can fix it. We practise patience, moderation, and acceptance with everything the human experience gives us.
For the Stoics, the ability to engage with the universe in this way – where you are not constantly straining for more, nor trying to rush things along, but rather embracing everything being offered to you and appreciating what you have – is a deeply powerful skill.
Like most traits, being patient comes easier to some than others. (I am of the “it doesn’t come easily to me” variety.) There are also different kinds of patience; someone who is really compassionate and patient with their friends and relatives might still get cranky in a traffic jam, and someone else might be sweet to wait in a long line at a theme park but really impatient with their personal achievement timeline.
And in a year like 2020 (I think the technical term for it is “an absolute shitstorm”), we can all benefit from cultivating more patience.
I suspect the ancient philosophers would encourage us to slow down, observe our thoughts and catch ourselves when something is getting us worked up. Mindfulness meditation, breathing exercises, exercise in general and self-awareness can all help.
When we aren’t caught up in the rush of “getting life done”, we can stop comparing our timeline to our peers. We can lose this pervasive language of “I need to achieve X by the time I’m Y”, and recognise that impatience rarely serves us. (I am working deeply on this, this year. Or, attempting to.)
As the quote at the start of this newsletter implies, the best things in life take time to blossom. Forcing things just to align with the imaginary timeline we've set ourselves makes life feel more like a "tick the box" exercise than a human experience to be enjoyed. When impatience rules, events and milestones become empty performances to get over and done with rather than meaningful points of experience. And, in only focusing on those boxes to tick, we lose all the life stuff in between. Impatience drives us towards the shallow end of the human experience.
It can infect our present with frustration about the future. The negative emotions distract us from the moment, stealing the now: The present moment, which is the only time we really have.
Usually, impatience is directed at something we can’t control, too; the wait for coffee won’t reduce by filling our mind with impatient irritation. All that will do is set our day on a negative trajectory.
I don't think patience is easy, but I'm told it's worth it.
Kids These Days
The findings of the recent delayed-gratification study were contrary to what many would expect. You’d think, based on our current society, that kids would be less capable of delaying gratification now. Most of the people the researchers interviewed beforehand thought as much, too.
The researchers nut it down to the kids these days effect, which is the tendency to see younger generations as worse than one’s own in various ways.
And according to one study published near the end of 2019, the kids these days effect extends to a number of traits.
In particular, this paper found that people who are well-read think young people enjoy reading less now.
Intelligent people see young people as less intelligent than they used to be.
Authoritarian individuals are more inclined to see kids today as being less respectful.
The researchers here identify two key factors that lead to these beliefs: First, that when we are particularly good at something we are better at observing the limitations of others in that thing. For example, the ‘well-read’ group were also more likely to criticise other adults for not enjoying reading enough.
And second, “a memory bias projecting one’s current qualities onto the youth of the past.” If, for example, you are now a conscientious, respectful adult, you may throw those current traits into your memories of your generation as children.
They say, “While people may believe in a general decline, they also believe that children are especially deficient on the traits in which they happen to excel.”
Is it possible that today’s kids really are just less intelligent, less respectful, and less into reading than those who came before them?
According to the researchers, probably not. They note that the ‘kids these days’ rhetoric has been around for centuries, and the inference that we as a species are steadily declining “seems highly unlikely”. We know, for example, that intelligence is reportedly increasing with new generations, rather than decreasing.
So, if you ever find yourself looking at a snotty annoying group of kids thinking, “I swear my friends and I weren’t like that as children”, rest assured we were all probably just as snotty and just as annoying.
And, perhaps if an older person tells you that “back in my day people your age were more respectful/hard working/caring/independent/grateful/etc”, you can engage in a discussion about the cognitive biases at play that naturally lead people to negative beliefs about younger generations. Sorry not sorry, Robert.
This piece originally appeared in my newsletter. If you’d like to subscribe for a weekly dose of human behaviour, psychology, and a sprinkling of philosophy, sign up here.
[1] (That’s the one where a kid has a marshmallow or treat placed in front of them, and told if they wait until the researcher leaves and come back they’ll get an extra one.)