No One is Positive All the Time – on Positivity Practice and the Danger of Extreme Positivity Culture
10 minute read.
If you’ve been in my training before, I’ve probably spoken to you about positivity. I’ve probably expressed how important it is to think positive, because the world has a funny way of giving us what we expect. When we go into something anticipating a negative outcome, it usually becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. We can also observe the contagion of emotion – how one negative salesperson can spread their negative vibes to everyone else in the team; and how one person in a great mood can inadvertently offer their joy to everyone around them. I even vaguely recall one study that suggested when you put a delinquent student into a room of high achievers, it is the high achievers who are brought down and not the delinquent who is brought up. We have all heard the phrase ‘one bad apple ruins the bunch’, and when it comes to mindset this seems undeniable.
However.
I am becoming increasingly concerned with the way the well-intentioned message of positivity is being presented and executed. There seems to be this abruptness; this dismissal of all things negative. It’s almost like we are being encouraged to become positivity robots, who think in rainbows and sunshine, never feeling any sense of self-doubt, uncertainty, frustration or sadness. ‘Just be positive!’ ‘Don’t be negative!’ ‘Think good thoughts!’ This new rhetoric is to me a kind of extreme positivity culture, touted often by motivational speakers, trainers, managers and company mission statements. I can only hope I have not inadvertently perpetuated this extreme culture that takes the complexities away from mindset.
The simplifying of this message takes away the imperative step required to become a more positive person – that is, working out how to deal with negative feelings and thoughts when they arrive. Instead, we sit so deeply in the assumption that negativity simply shouldn’t happen, we take away the opportunity to learn how to work with our emotions.
On a broader level, it is also worth mentioning that negative feelings or thoughts, by themselves, are not necessarily always a bad thing. Counterintuitive, I know. From an evolutionary psychology perspective, one could argue the benefits of feelings like fear and self-doubt – they’re there to help us avoid stimuli that could threaten our safety, after all. Sometimes, great things are borne out of negative emotions. Businesses, for example, that started with a moment of frustration that led them to the problem they could solve with a new product. Achievements, for example, that were only achieved because someone felt really frustrated with where they were and decided to make a change. If we were only positive all the time, denying ourselves a breadth of emotions and thoughts, we would lose an important part of the human experience. Sometimes we need to experience sadness, doubt, uncertainty or grief. Sometimes it serves us. A negative moment often signals an opportunity for personal growth somewhere.
The trick then is not about eliminating everything except for positivity. The most successful people, in my experience, aren’t positive all the time. They are simply aware of their emotions, and able to manage them well. It’s about choosing how to respond to our emotions or feelings in a way that serves us for the better.
So, instead of berating or dismissing an employee (or ourselves) for feeling or thinking something negative in response to, say, a client interaction that didn’t go to plan – consider instead working with the person to move forward. Building our ability to recognise negative moments, and creating habits that trigger us into a more positive state, are a part of the journey towards being more positive. Just as telling someone to ‘relax’ does anything but relax them, dismissing the person for having a moment of negativity in the first place is not going to have the desired effect on their demeanour. We need to demonstrate empathy, acknowledgement and a working plan to move forward, instead of presuming ‘hey, be positive’ is going to do the trick.
I advocate for the practice of positivity, rather than the presumption of it.
In practice, here are a few ways we might do that:
1. Acknowledge that sometimes days are hard, sometimes things go wrong, and sometimes people have negative moments. Become an observer to your thoughts and feelings so you can actually identify when something negative has popped up. If you catch yourself thinking or feeling something negative, acknowledge to yourself that this is what’s happening, it’s ok, and it’s human;
2. Train yourself (and your team) to focus not on eliminating negative moments, but on choosing how much power to give them. We cannot exert much control over that instinctive surge of frustration when we don’t close that deal we wanted to close, but we can choose whether to let that take over our attitude for the day or not.
3. I have always liked the phrase ‘think about who this feeling is serving’. If a negative emotion is not serving you – which is usually the case in the professional environment – choose to acknowledge it, and then let it go.
4. In moments of negativity, change something. A physical change can have a great impact: Go for a walk around the block, meditate or do some breathing exercises. You might also change something your senses are experiencing: Put on a great song or go outside to feel some fresh air.
5. Let your body language aid you. Our state is comprised of our thoughts, our words, and our behaviours – and they really do all talk to each other. Instead of sitting down, hunched over with your arms crossed; stand up and stretch. Then, sit down with good posture and open positioning. Negative body language will facilitate more negativity, so consider your body language.
6. Find some positivity go-to’s. What works for everyone is different, so this may take some exploring. I personally like to give myself a little pep talk. Some people might have some positive affirmations they say to themselves; others may have a go-to thought of a funny joke or something else that makes them laugh; others still might visualise a specific moment in their life that made them really proud. We are looking for something to think about or say that instantly makes you feel good. That’s different for everyone. Ideally, you’ll end up with a trunk full of great moments and thoughts that you can tap into to adjust your mindset when you’re feeling negative.
7. Ask, ‘what was something positive in that experience?’ In the case of a client interaction, there is almost always a lesson, a great moment, or something we can be happy with that came from it. This question also helps us to direct our thinking to a more positive place.
8. For moments of uncertainty and self-doubt, lean in. These feels are often an example of negative feelings that serve us – they signal a great opportunity for us to thrive. We might feel uncertain or doubtful right before trying something new or taking on a challenge. A big pitch, a presentation, an important meeting. In those moments, lean into the uncertainty. Allow yourself to use those feelings to propel you forward, with the knowledge that we need those feelings alert us when we’re moving out of our comfort zone. This is a good thing. Say to yourself, ‘this is scary, and that’s exactly why I’m going to do it.’
9. Respond to others’ negativity appropriately. Sometimes people really want to vent to their colleagues when they’ve had a really bad day or a negative interaction. This is natural, and yet can be dangerous. Always demonstrate empathy and acknowledge the person’s negative moment – but don’t then help them assign it even more power by discussing it for the next three hours. If anything, help them to move forward by working with them using some of the points above. Tell a hilarious joke. Work to change the state.
As an aside, sometimes people tell me that this particular point is really challenging because their colleague really wants to talk about things like that all the time and it would be rude to try and shift it towards positivity. Although I’m certain the colleague wouldn’t think of it this way, the act of taking your negative moment and then giving it not only to your whole day but to your colleague’s day is actually an incredibly selfish act. It is almost certainly better for both parties if you acknowledge and empathise with the negativity, support the person to let it pass, and then help them to refocus their energy. To be frank, if you find yourself consistently being dragged into a negative state because of a specific colleague or friend who likes to create negativity cyclones, my best advice is to cut the negativity off and preserve your energy.
10. Start to practice gratefulness. Thinking about what we’re thankful for can have a wonderful effect on our mindset long-term. Make it a habit by assigning a moment each day to consider 3 things you’re grateful for.
11. Forgive yourself for negative moments. Don’t beat yourself up for having a negative moment. Instead, let yourself take on the practice of positivity as a journey and understand it takes time to develop. This is especially the case where we have unintentionally developed habituative negativity, that might require a more conscious effort to change things up. You absolutely can change these habits, but it will take time.
I very much believe positivity is a requirement for success. I don’t, however, subscribe to the simplified notion that we can altogether prevent negative thoughts or feelings – denying negativity altogether would render all the above points moot, because the answer would be instead to simply not have negative moments. Continuing to facilitate this extreme positivity culture would have the effect of making people feel worse when they inevitably - and humanly - think or feel something negative. In my experience, it can also start to have other adverse effects, like making people question their capabilities, increasing anxiety, and managers using 'positivity' as an excuse to avoid hard one on one conversations with employees. If we take it to an extreme, we can end up with a culture that appears to be very positive and happy, and behind the mask a whole lot of passive aggressiveness, unspoken issues and toxicity (that one probably needs an article of its own). Sometimes from a leadership perspective, negativity needs to be engaged with and delved into with empathy and compassion, rather than dismissed out of convenience. An expectation of 100% positivity has the capacity to allow us to disengage with problems and dismiss concerns of our employees, and puts an expectation on our people that is simply not human.
Positivity is a practice developed through our habits, conscious actions and self-awareness. It’s not the flip of a switch, but a long journey that requires ongoing effort before it becomes more of a default setting. It involves a series of choices about our attitude and behaviours that we are constantly making.
I once had a salesperson say to me in a training session, ‘I can’t help it, I’m just a negative person. I’ve always been a negative person.’ The problem with this very absolutist assertion is that it takes away our autonomy and accountability to our attitude and our choices. This goes both ways too – people who say ‘I’m just a positive person, I’ve always been that way’ may not realise it, but they’ve actually been practicing positivity for a long time. Feelings and thoughts are momentary, and our overall mindset is a conglomerate of our responses to those momentary feelings and thoughts over a long period of time. It’s not absolute – which means we must give it consistent focus if we want to manage it well. By heightening our self-awareness and developing conscious strategies to help when we catch ourselves in negative moments, we can start to develop a positivity practice.
The human experience is a complex one – we all feel moments of positive and negative thoughts and emotions. It is how we react to those moments that really matters.
What do you think?
Sonia
This blog post was originally posted on my training website, Statusone.com.au, on June 7, 2019. I have since been moving some of my favourite blog posts from there over to here, as this is now my ‘content hub’ and I want you to have access to some of the cool stuff I’ve written about before. You can still check out the Status One site if you’re interested in corporate training if you want. Also, don’t forget to sign up for the newsletter below for updates and weekly exclusive content.