Can You Be a Loner Without Being Lonely?
On friendship and solitude
In a time marked by a pandemic, economic recession, civil unrest, working from home and social distancing, relationships have been tested.
Many believe that a rise in divorce rates is imminent. It’s probably expected because financial turmoil can strain a marriage, and also couples these days have to spend more time… with each other.
Today, though, I want to consider our broader social networks and friendships. Specifically, I want to ponder whether being a loner can come with benefits.
Pandemic friendships: the orchid and the cactus
It’s human instinct to seek out connection. Now, with many living a simplified version of our previous lives, the specifics of our connections come into question.
Or rather, who we foster relationships with has always been important, but now we see the impact these choices have on our lives.
Many friendships have ended or changed during this time. Some have been torn apart by opposing political or pandemic views. Financial concerns would have slowly edged out others. And the friends who were really just acquaintances you mistook for meaningful, perhaps because the fun activities you did together created a veil of depth and enjoyment… well they’d be standing out pretty starkly when there’s just a zoom screen, and no hobby masking your blatant incongruity.
Some friendships are like an orchid: They look nice, and they seem like a good idea at the time, but then you realise how fragile and temperamental they can be. They don’t cope well with change and only thrive in particular conditions with particular care. Overwater, and it’s gone. Put it in just the right amount of light, or it’s gone. If you don’t pay it attention all the time, see ya later. It’s all about aesthetics and feels a bit performative.
And even though an orchid friendship can be maintained, it is a careful exercise, and deep down you know this thing could blow if you even look at it the wrong way.
(Maybe I’m just not very good at caring for plants. But you get where I’m coming from).
Surprisingly, emerging research posits that extraverts aren’t all crumbling into dust as a result of lessened face to face time in the pandemic. It appears we can be, as they say, physically distanced but socially connected.
Certainly, some friendships have strengthened in this period: More communication, more vulnerability and more support in what is likely to be the most tender period of our lives.
I think some friendships are more like a cactus – they’re adaptable, they can withstand hard environments, and are built to survive. They’ll be with you forever.
But as the orchids have separated themselves from the cacti, I’m prompted to wonder: What about the loner? Do you need to spend loads of time socialising with friends to be a happy, well-adjusted person?
“Hell is other people.” – Jean-Paul Sartre
Many would resonate with Sartre’s words and advocate for the loner life – whether that means having a tiny circle or no friends at all.
Chronic loneliness has been linked to physical harm, increasing our probability of early death, affecting our immunity, stress, sleep, cognitive functioning and mental health. But while loneliness is objectively a bad state, for our purposes we must differentiate it from time being alone.
Can the loner enjoy being alone without being lonely, with only a few or no friends, and still maintain a high level of happiness?
The Stoic view
I suspected the Stoics would be on board with a bit of a loner life. Their emphasis on discovering happiness internally, focusing on what you can control and being mindful led me to expect they wouldn’t be as fussed about having a rolodex of mates.
In one of Seneca’s letters, he discusses how people often misconstrue the Stoic concept that “the wise man is content with himself.” On the face of it, you’d think this could be the motto of loners everywhere.
But Seneca qualifies that it’s not that simple.
He says that while this quote means you are self-sufficient, and therefore don’t need friends to be happy, it doesn’t mean you don’t want friends. He refers to a Stoic mind as “invulnerable” or “above all suffering”, so if you lose a friend, you can move on from that relationship. But friends can still bring pleasure and love and, at the very least, help you maintain the skill of practising friendship. Seneca suggests that the more virtuous a person is, the more inclined they should be to engage with friendship because it’s a mechanism for collaboration and personal development for everyone involved.
While it isn’t a battle cry for the loner life, the Stoics at least accept that happiness can come without friendships. It’s not ideal, but it’s possible. Friendships are wonderful additions to life, but you can’t define your happiness purely through others. Happiness is an inside job.
The science of solitude
It was hard to find science that investigated positives to being alone. Most research assessed socialisation and friendships, confirming that friendships are good for the soul, as we’d expect. But here, I am less interested in the dynamics of friendships with others, and more interested in the solitary life. While they overlap, they’re still two different questions.
I did find one PhD dissertation from 2010 that found that for people who identify as loners, spending frequent amounts of time alone didn’t necessarily lead to unhappiness or poor wellbeing[1]. They found 21.7% of the study participants, including 20.6% of that group who were self-identifying loners self-assessed average to high scores of happiness.
Many historical leaders in religion, history and philosophy were known as loners. Many would savour time alone for contemplation, drawing inwards before returning to consult their followers.
We also have a persistent stereotype of the ‘creative genius’ as more of a loner. It’s been perpetuated by figures like J. D. Salinger, author of Catcher in the Rye, who famously left the public eye to become a recluse for the final years of his life. It’s not rare to picture writers, painters and the like spending most of their time alone with their ideas and creations.
Indeed, one theorist asserts that you can be a loner who is not lonely or anxious because if you have a passionate interest, then that takes up the psychological role of a support system for you – for example, a writer’s muse emerging in solitude[2]. Some argue that solitude provides cognitive and creative benefits; helping us to think more analytically and imaginatively.
Solitude is opportune for self-transformation and reflection – for example, through meditation, silent retreats and exercise. There are even suggestions that solitude can help us with intimacy and relationships[3].
So even though complete isolation and loneliness is certainly not good for the soul, spending time alone can provide some advantages. It seems that as long as you’re fulfilling your social needs, balancing it out with some solitude might actually be a positive thing. The ratio of social to solitary time would undoubtedly change between individuals, so maybe it’s about finding the right balance for you. I would love to see some more research on the ‘loner’ lifestyle in the future.
Separating friendship and solitude
Although the research tends toward strong friendships being a positive for happiness, I think there is undoubtedly a case for at least the demi-loners. Perhaps we need more research to assess just how little a social life one can get away with before it negatively impacts on health and wellbeing. (Perhaps you’ve read some? Let me know.)
Perhaps, also, we must appreciate that solitude and friendship are not mutually exclusive. You can maintain some good friendships without having the noise of people and socialising around you all the time. And you can be an introvert with a smaller circle, or enjoy spending lots of time alone, and still fulfil the inherent human desire for social connection in other ways.
It may be that technology and social media has allowed people to embrace more solitude without losing a sense of connection to others. In that case, the loner ends up in a win: win situation: They can live a simple, solitary life but still message others, engage in conversations and see what their social circle is up to.
2020: A time for reassessment
I am a pretty social person. I enjoy having dear friends in my life. I also enjoy spending a lot of time alone, though perhaps not to the extent that I’d call myself a loner. Probably a demi-loner.
What I’ve noticed this year is not only have I cherished more time alone for reflection, deep work and creative hobbies, but I’ve also started being choosier about who I give my time and energy to. I’ve begun to allow some of the outer layer friendships – the people who you like, that are nice enough, but not the ones who lift you up, challenge you or bring you joy – dissipate. Some of those outer circle people, I have struggled with.
I’ve centred more on my closer circle, and on the friendships that I perceive to be truly authentic and meaningful. Cacti only, please.
I didn’t do it on purpose. But most of us this year have had to reassess our priorities. It’s been a year for reflection and figuring out who we are, what we want, and who we want to become. And a big part of you is the people you invite into your life, to share that journey with for a while or a lifetime. So, it makes sense that many have consciously or subconsciously invested more in meaningful friendships, and allowed others to wash away like a little shell in the tide.
Frankly, with all the madness going on in the world, I don’t think anyone has any more time or energy for orchid friendships. And the good news is, you don’t need to surround yourself with loads of people to be happy and satisfied in life. As long as you’re fulfilling your personal needs for interaction and connection – whatever those might look like – embracing a bit more solitude might not be such a horrible choice after all.
I read a cool post on Instagram today that said “Don’t let anyone rent a space in your head unless they’re a good tenant”, and I think it’s fitting. Let’s commit ourselves to good energy only – solitude when it serves us, and socialising with people who matter.
Have you found yourself reassessing the friendships in your life this year? Do you identify as a loner?
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[1] Cady, J. (2010). Positive solitude : an examination of individuals who spend frequent time alone (T). University of British Columbia. Retrieved from https://open.library.ubc.ca/collections/ubctheses/24/items/1.0053673
[2] Long, C., & Averill, J. (2003). Solitude: An Exploration of Benefits of Being Alone. Journal for the Theory of Social Behaviour, 33(1),
[3] Long, C., & Averill, J. (2003). Solitude: An Exploration of Benefits of Being Alone. Journal for the Theory of Social Behaviour, 33(1),