How to Give Negative Feedback To An Employee: Hard Conversations and Leadership
14 and a half Minute Read (it's a long one - save it for a work break!)
Ah, yes. Hard conversations.
Nobody likes them. I don’t know a soul who would get excited about an upcoming meeting where they have to pull someone up on unsatisfactory work, being late, distracting the team, taking too long for lunch, or not dressing appropriately, for example. I’d suggest only a psychopath would prepare gleefully for a conversation where they have to take away someone’s job stability by terminating their employment.
And although nobody likes them, hard, constructive conversations are part of leadership.
I have shared at various times that naturally, I like to be liked. I used to find it really difficult to give constructive feedback to someone because I was always worried about what they would think of me afterwards. I didn’t want to compromise relationships or have someone’s perception of me shift into the negative.
Of course, as a trainer – who is literally there, in part, to give constructive feedback and help people improve – I had to learn quick smart that this wasn’t going to fly. I have come to terms with the fact that in order for me to serve people, I have to help them get better even when it’s not all rosy and rainbows. And that means that when they could be doing something better, I have to support them. When they’re doing something wrong, I have to address it. Hard conversations must come into it, sometimes. And I know in my own career that it’s usually the negative feedback that is the most important for personal growth.
Don’t get me wrong. I still want you to like me. That’s a natural pattern and motivation I have, and it serves me in many ways. But I’ve had to reframe that idea when it comes to hard conversations, to recognise that I can’t be self-centred. I have to be other-centred. And it is far more important to have the conversation to help that other person than it is to be self-serving and let them stagnate because of my ego.
Anyway.
Holding hard conversations is a key skill that leaders must acquire to be effective when developing individuals in their team. You may have heard me speak of what I call “upboarding”, which is the term I use to describe “onboarding” for new leaders. Being able to have a constructive conversation where you address a problem and give negative feedback is an important part of the “upboarding” process. Here, I’m not necessarily talking about formal disciplinary conversations (in which case, you should refer to your company processes / HR department), but rather speaking with that person who needs to lift their game, spoke negatively to a customer, left early too many days in a row without reason, chats and distracts the team too much, or keeps submitting their reports late. The kind of informal conversation where you call someone in, address the problem and move forward together.
In a way, I think many new leaders find these conversations some of the hardest because they don’t necessarily have a training manual or process guideline to work from. They simply have to do it as a manager and leader.
So what are my best tips for having a hard conversation?
I’m going to use the example of someone who has come in late a number of days in a row. I’ll use the word “event” as a more general term (you can insert your thing-I-have-to-address there as needed).
1. Where possible, have the conversation as soon as the “event” occurs.
That means if someone is late, call them over to speak about it as soon as they get in. If someone keeps submitting their report late, have the conversation as soon as they do. If they addressed a customer in a negative or inappropriate manner, address them as soon as you’re in private.
The reason for this is that naturally, an employee will feel a bit defensive when this conversation starts. That’s human. No one likes being pulled up on something negative. If you procrastinate and don’t have the conversation until hours or even days after the “event”, your employee might be left thinking, “This happened ages ago. Why didn’t you just tell me then? Are you looking for a reason to pick on me? Otherwise, you would have spoken to me about it already.”
Additionally, for repeated issues, I don’t want to put my lawyer hat on (and yet oop, there it is), you want to be really careful about what you accidentally acquiesce to. If an employee has been late every day for 6 weeks and you haven’t spoken a word about it, pretending everything is normal, it’s pretty unreasonable that you would then suddenly address it and try to enforce it. The employer/employee relationship is a fluid one. If you arbitrarily enforce rules only sometimes and only with some people, you’re setting yourself up for a whole lot of strife (and inefficiency, and unfairness) in your business.
2. Have the conversation in private.
They say you should always praise in public and criticise in private. I don’t know that I always agree with this – some people find the limelight embarrassing so it’s not effective to praise them in public. Other times, giving negative feedback in a group situation can benefit and provide a learning moment for the whole group. With the examples I’ve listed, though, a private conversation is definitely better. When there are more people around, both parties might feel the urge to “perform” a little, because pride gets in the way of solving the problem. Ensure there aren’t other colleagues or customers around so you can have an authentic, fair conversation that addresses the issues properly.
3. Address the specific behaviour, not the person.
This is perhaps the most important piece of advice I can give. Instead of “you’re a lazy person who can’t time manage and has no hope”, try “you were late this morning by half an hour, and last week you were twenty minutes late on Thursday and Friday”. Making the conversation about someone’s identity is not constructive – instead of “you are”, focus on “you did”. Behaviours can change. It’s hard to argue with observable facts, and much easier to get heated when we start talking about the qualities of a person. And if you do make it about the person, it’s likely you’ll receive a lot more resistance and emotion in response. Also, note in that example the specificity added to it. “You’re always late” is not a very persuasive statement. Give specific examples.
4. Understand they may be upset and this may stay with them.
It is known that negative feedback and negative moments generally tend to stick with us more than positive experiences. (One of my favourites - okay, my favourite - neuroscientist, Dean Burnett wrote a fascinating piece on the potency of criticism you can check out here.) Accordingly, it is imperative that you do not go into the discussion emotionally-charged. This seems obvious, but I feel the need to say it anyway. The last thing you want to do is take out other frustrations you’re having on this person. Check yourself and make sure it is a legitimate conversation you need to have, and focus on fairness. The more calm and objective you are, the more effective and fair it will be.
On the same note, understand that the employee may get a little emotional. This is also normal, and okay. For example, the office “chatterbox” is almost certainly going to feel a little hurt or embarrassed when you tell them their conversations are distracting the rest of the team and you need them to focus on their own work more. Appreciate that they may be a little upset, and hold the space for them.
5. Don’t let the conversation divert.
Think about this from the employee perspective. I’m called into my manager’s office. They tell me I’ve been late all these times and this has to change. My immediate responses are likely to be something like:
a. Wait, Greg was late yesterday. Why didn’t anyone get angry at Greg?
b. Didn’t they notice that last month I worked late for three days? I work so hard and no one notices.
c. Actually, now that I think about it, the amount of time Ashley spends ducking out “for a quick smoke” probably QUADRUPLES the amount of time I haven’t been here because I’m running a few minutes late.
d. It’s not like I can control the traffic! I do so much for this company and I don’t deserve this.
This is natural. In fact, an interesting cognitive bias to consider here is called Fundamental Attribution Error (FAE). FAE is essentially where we are lenient about our own mistakes, but if someone else makes the same mistake we are quick to judge. For example, FAE in action would be if I see Greg coming in late, I may think, “Greg is so bad at time management. He mustn’t care much about this job.” But if I am late, I may think, “Well, who was to know that the M4 would be backed up like that this morning? I have to drive further than anyone in the office. And I still got in in time for the morning meeting. I’ve had so much going on lately that with all the plates I’m juggling I’m actually doing really well.” We take in the whole picture that contributes to our own actions, but with others, we see only their actions.
Anyway. It’s likely that in the midst of this conversation, an employee will bring up tangents. They’ll want to talk about when they weren’t late or worked overtime, or accuse other employees of doing worse things than them. This is normal, but it’s important that you – as a leader – keep the conversation on track. You’re not there to talk about Greg or Ashley or that one time the employee worked late. You’re there because of the “event” and you have to stay focused on that.
When this happens, tell the employee. “Okay. We’re not here to discuss that now. We’re here to talk about “event””. If you don’t keep control here, you could end up in an hour-long conversation about everything except what you needed to talk about.
6. Where relevant, gather more information from the employee.
This is very context-specific. In some cases, the issue and solution will be very clear and you will not need to explore anything with the employee. (e.g. if someone keeps taking extra long lunches because they enjoy a 3-course meal, they need to stop taking them and adhere to the time assigned for lunch. Simple.)
In others, though, you may spend a lot of time here. For example, if you have an employee who has been your consistent superstar for a long time, who is suddenly underperforming, you’ll want to know what’s going on. What’s changed? If an employee is always early, and suddenly they’ve started coming in late and paying less attention to grooming and their aesthetics, you’ll want to explore if there’s something wrong and how you can support them. (I use the less attention to grooming/aesthetics not out of judgement, but because a drastic change in this area is, in my experience, often an instant red flag that someone is struggling with something). Sometimes simply lending an ear to the employee can help you empathise and understand what’s happening. Empathy can take you and your team a long way in business, and in life.
7. Where relevant, flip the perspective.
Sometimes, even after these steps, an employee will be visibly resistant to the critique. It can occasionally be a helpful move to try and get the employee thinking from your perspective. Something like, “if you were me, and you had an employee where “event” had happened, what do you think your reaction might be?”
This can sometimes assist the employee to think more objectively about the situation, and see you’re reasonably addressing the action as you would with anyone.
8. Establish a solution.
Clearly explain the expectations moving forward. Where relevant, also explain why those expectations are that way, and why they are important. Sometimes, the solution lies with the employee (who will e.g. need to start waking up earlier and leaving for work earlier).
Other times, depending on the circumstances, you may need to ask the employee something like, “how can I support you with this so that “event” doesn’t happen again?” It may be the case, for example, that the employee who keeps handing reports in late is relying on others to give them relevant data – and those others are the ones holding up the process. It may be that an underperforming employee is having difficulties with a certain system they haven’t been trained on, or a part of the process they don’t quite understand. You have to use your best judgment here to figure out the best way for the employee to move forward positively. Sometimes it is best to explore with the employee what you can both do to make things better. And, the employee needs to understand and agree to the next steps.
Note that there needs to be a solution. In particular, in the case of say, a salesperson who is underperforming generally, you can’t simply say “these results aren’t good enough”. You need to set clear expectations moving forward, and in this case, you need to work with the person to find (or tell them, depending on the circumstances) what specific actions they will take to increase their activity and get a better result.
As an example, with an administrative person I was working with, we were having issues with performance. In particular, he was making consistent detail-oriented mistakes that were costing a lot of time to fix. I went through the specific instances and explained why these were not acceptable. We agreed there was a problem. I then asked, “What are you going to do from here to make sure this doesn’t happen again? And how can I support you?” The solution we came to was that he was to review everything an additional time before submitting the work, and in the case of very important documents would send them to me for review prior to marking them as complete.
9. End on a positive.
Even the fairest, most beautifully executed hard conversation can leave a little emotional wound on the employee. They may have hurt feelings or hurt pride, because who wants to hear about something you’re not doing well with? Some employees, in particular, will leave a constructive, hard conversation convinced that their boss now hates them and they’re terrible at their job. This is sometimes a projection, in my experience, of someone who already has some insecurities and self-doubts and so they take any negative feedback as a confirmation of those insecurities.
It is so important to make sure the employee knows that you value them. That you appreciate all the work they do, and you’re having this conversation to help them. The manager who is willing to have these constructive conversations usually does so because they want their employee to do better, to succeed and to thrive. I believe it was in the One Minute Manager (I wanted to check but I can’t find my copy. If I have lent it to you, please remind me… and then give it back) that they advocate for the classic “sandwich” technique. This is where you very clearly at the beginning and end of the conversation, say something positive.
For example, you may end the conversation with something like: “Lisa, I want you to know that I value and appreciate the work that you do for us. This conversation is simply to address an issue so we can move past it and improve. You’re a great salesperson, and I want to help you succeed.”
For the office “chatterbox”, you may say, “Vicky, I love the positive energy and enthusiasm you bring to the team. And everyone enjoys and appreciates your stories. The main thing is simply about focusing on work during work so we can enjoy some more light-hearted chats in the break times.”
10. Follow it up.
This has always been an important point. But these days, it is even more important. Because, Millennials.
We know that Millennials seek more feedback from managers, (and feedback in general) than previous generations. We have been conditioned that way. (Thanks, technology).
As the person makes the changes and improves, show that you’ve noticed. As Ken Blanchard would say, “catch them doing something right”. Demonstrate your appreciation.
It's notable that many of these points apply outside the leadership arena - if you're bringing up an issue with a colleague, or even a friend.
I still don’t like hard conversations. They’re not fun, and I prefer fun. There are some species of hard conversation that I will still dread having up until the moment I have to have it. But they are necessary. For the benefit of those you lead, you have to step up and help them grow when things aren’t going well.
So, that turned into a long article very quickly. To be fair, hard conversations have a lot of nuances and there are probably some other important keys that I have missed. If I have, please let me know in the comments – what else do you think is important when it comes to giving negative feedback to your employees?
Sonia
This blog post was originally posted on my training website, Statusone.com.au, on Nov 19, 2019. I have since been moving some of my favourite blog posts from there over to here, as this is now my ‘content hub’ and I want you to have access to some of the cool stuff I’ve written about before. You can still check out the Status One site if you’re interested in corporate training if you want. Also, don’t forget to sign up for the newsletter below for updates and weekly exclusive content.